thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just want to make out with him forever
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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