I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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