nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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