I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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