The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
