it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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