The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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