and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
home. puking in laundry basket.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
