I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
