you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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