my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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