if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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