is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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