Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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