worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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