I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
