I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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