I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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