Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
