shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
