I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
