Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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