I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
