I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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