Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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