so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
