True but thats because hes a fetus.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
