loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
