omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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