mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
