I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i now understand why vodka
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
