i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
love makes seman taste better
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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