happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
