I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
