you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
