Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
