we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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