Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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