...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
