He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
