I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Green mimosas i think yes
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
