worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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