I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
