Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
