I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
