Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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