I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
