SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
