No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sorry about my life...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
