I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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