its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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