Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
