I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
