Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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